Its been a while since I have posted and a lot has happened since MAL. As school has progressed I have fallen in a deep depression and I am finally starting to crawl out of it as the quarter comes an end. I was working 7 days a week, I was in school Tuesday-Thursday and would fly out Friday and get back Monday. It was an unmanageable schedule that nearly broke me, I didn’t have enough time for self care and it took its toll on me. Things with Pup got ugly but we managed to work through it after a lot of realizations on both our parts, I think we are stronger because of it though.
This school stuff is a real doozy for me, it takes me 4 hours each day to get back and forth to class and then I am there for 4 hours so thats 24 hours of my week that disappears that I will never get back. I wish I could say that I learned something of substance but the reality is I payed 3 grand to say I sat in a class room. I feel incredibly resentful towards higher education, I am essentially required to get a 4 year degree at the minimum if not a master to get any kind of decent paying job all the while the school tells me how much they care about me and value me. My school is one of liberal arts that preaches social justice and equality for all but it couldn’t be farther from the truth. I were valued my education would be free and I would be learning something. Its as if colleges expects students to develop stockholms syndrome and thank them for putting a mortgage on their life and impacting students quality of life while they get an education.
I am a student with disabilities and SURPRISE thats impacted my academic success! I was told by the University of Washington that I had a snowballs chance in hell of getting in because my GPA is to low but they really value students life experiences and social justice. This may throw some for a loop but its institutionalized discrimination, I go through a system as a person with disabilities that doesn’t work well for me so I am not as successful as other students. The system that should be educating and is required to by law, The Americans with Disabilities Act, doesn’t protect me when I try to go to higher education because they have the right to refuse entry.
Subsequently the school I am at was my only option for public education that wouldn’t cost me my first born. As I sit in my classes I wonder to myself what exactly am I supposed to be learning? I am an escort that travels all over the country, let the reality of that sink in, imagine all of the people I meet, the things I see, and the experiences I have had. Siting in a classroom and being told of the real world doesn’t really compare to living what they are teaching. When I go to San Francisco I don’t just see a city, I see complex sociological issues (income inequality, poverty, lack of a social safety net, greed, addiction and the list goes on). I have been told I have to pay my dues because everyone else has, “this is what we all have to do”, but I refuse. Through out my life I have had to forge my own path and I will continue to do so in college. I pushed incredibly hard but I managed to get an independent learning contract through my college which means that I make up my course material. I choose what topics are important to me and I get credit for educating myself.
As I have traveled around the country this quarter I didn’t have time to rest and recuperate. I had one task to complete after another and it got to the point where I dreaded waking up because I had to continue the grind. Depression set in quickly and due to the lack of flexility in my schedule I couldn’t travel for work so my income dropped significantly. I had no time for myself and little money to cover my expenses, while this may be acceptable for some college students its not for me, its a recipe for disaster. I was rude, moody, and down right mean to Pup at times, I am still not sure if there is anything I can do to make it up to him. As we started to navigate poly I realized I wasn’t ready for him to have partner on his own and had a melt down which we both handled poorly and ended up hurting each other a lot. Its been about a month since the dust has settled and I think we are stronger at least I hope we are. I would very much like a poly family and I am figuring out what that looks like to me and what my comfort level is around puppy seeing other people.
In other news on finding out that I can do independent study it became apparent I don’t need to stay in Seattle anymore to get my education. I think I will be moving out to Chicago where I can get a place for the same price thats much bigger and nicer than what I have now. I have wanted to buy a home in the next couple years and houses and condo’s are about half of what they cost in Seattle. I have felt frustrated with the culture of Seattle, the passive aggressiveness, so I think a new city may be good for me. Its also MUCH easier to get to the east coast from Chicago than Seattle so I should save a ton on plane tickets every year.
I feel hopeful for the first time in a few months and it feels nice. I have one more week of this monotony then I am free! Life feels good again