Check in

I just had a client who said he read my last post and I realized it had been over a year since I posted so it seems like it might be time to check in.

I have been in Chicago for almost a year now and its hard to imagine I have been away from my home for so long. A lot has happened in that year my dad passed away, I own a house now, I am graduating with my bachelors in a month and I start my masters in clinical social work in September.

I have kept my head to the ground and focused on improving myself, its been a lonely process but ultimately its been worth it trade my social life for an education. I have struggled with learning disabilities my entire life and avoided school because I have to work twice as hard to get an education and I just didn’t have the energy or determination to finish what I started until last year. Everything seems to be coming together and I have never been more proud of myself. In two years I will have my masters and in four I will be licensed and able to start my own practice should I chose.

 

Gratitude

As I come up on a year of sobriety I am struck with a feeling of gratitude.

Initially when I got sober about 5 years ago I retreated from the world and poured all of my energy into school. I thought all I needed to do was get drugs out of my system and I would be fine. As I learned last year that’s not the case, I found myself in a sticky situation when I wasn’t feeling very good about life and myself and caved. That cascaded into using once a month for 6 months until I did something so egregious that it knocked some sense into me.

I have been working with a great sponsor but more than that I have reached out to my peers, people who have been through what I have and I have drawn on their strength. I found myself more tempted than I have ever been while I was in Ft Lauderdale a few weeks ago, hot daddies make me melt and the daddies down there party VERY hard. The first thing I did when I got to town was set up a support network for myself, I contacted the folks I knew and they set me up with other people. The meetings down there were pretty amazing and I can’t wait to go back to them.

There was a man I met at one of the meetings that invited me out to dinner on my last night there. Neither one of us were sure what was going to happen though I think we both expected it to be a hook up. We ended up sitting and talking for 4 hours talking about our hardships, our recovery, and our dreams. It was incredibly cathartic and gave me a lot to think about.

I have been able to pay the council I received forward to people who are still struggling. While I was in Minneapolis last week I had this incredibly hot guy message me and I got more hot and bothered than I care to admit but he asked me to party with him. I wasn’t remotely tempted and said that I was in recovery. As it turns out it’s a good conversation starter, he told me he is going into treatment next month and knows he needs help. I shared my experiences with him and did the best I could to be of service.

Since I have opened up about my experiences I have had people who are new in recovery seek my advice and I do my best to offer a little bit of wisdom. Its allowed me to make some new friends along the way that I can lean on and vise versa.

My take away from the last couple months of events is that they have a deleterious effect on my sobriety especially when I go by myself. I think I will go to Dore Alley next month but everything else is on the chopping block unless I can go with sober friends. While they may be some of the most fabulous parties in the country a night or weekend isn’t worth my sobriety.

Been a while

I split with puppers and we have remained friends though the transition has been difficult. I have felt lost since we split the depth of which few people have been told of.  Its been difficult to reach out to friends though I know they are their for me when I need them. My depression started to creep back in when school started and its been a daily struggle to get out of bed and take care of myself for the last month.

While this sounds bleak and it is, I am starting to pull out of it. Last weekend as I worked on my final it sunk in that the relationship was over and that realization has started the healing process. I started to put myself out there and hooked up with a few people last weekend, each time I enjoyed myself but came home and sobbed. They weren’t pup. There has been an underlying issue since I started escorting, I need intimacy from someone I love. I give it out but no one refills me.

There is one man who I have had a reverence for since the moment I met him, his presence is calming and makes me feel safe. When I have needed an emotional, spiritual, and loving connection I have always gone to him. He scares me though, he is completely disarming and that vulnerability is not something I am accustomed too. He has such presence that I often find myself tongue tied when I am around him. I realized last year when I was considering moving that I loved him and have for a very long time. The safest place I have ever felt is in his arms and I think its time to see him. When he left Seattle we had some of the most mind blowing and spiritual sex I have ever had, I felt lighter afterwards.

I need to cleanse myself and his guidance as well as his affection is always welcome. He feeds me in a way that no other person has and no matter how much time or distance there is between us I love him. I am going to fly out to see him in a few weeks and we are going to spend some time in the desert together. He has said I have a similar effect on him that he has on me and I hope I can help him purge his demons too.

I am coming up on a year sober again and it feels good. The key to success and sobriety is self care and thats what I am doing.

Life back on track

Since school let out a few weeks ago for spring break I have been able to travel again and its brought a tremendous sense of comfort both financial an emotional. I struggled for the last 3 months to get my bills paid because I cut my income in half to go back to school. I counted the days until I could leave Seattle, I tried my best not to check out before I left and get my finals done for school but my heart wasn’t in it. I couldn’t stop thinking about visiting Chicago and New York, seeing friends and getting a better feel for chi town.

I met with my advisor for school to do a end of quarter check out and it turns out that my teachers really liked me! They thought I was very bright and looked forward to seeing what I do with my life which gave me warm fuzzies. I got good grades this quarter and my independent study got approved for next quarter so yay me!

The first couple days in Chicago were pretty slow but it turned around. I was able to go to the gym every day while I was there which I have never made time for while working and made a HUGE difference in my well being. I got to see a few regular clients who’s company I always enjoy and I had a unique experience where I had to stand firm in my boundaries with a client who had no respect for me.

My last night I was in Chicago I had this guy who displays autism spectrum behavior and is one of the worst clients I have ever seen. Once he started sniffing poppers he checked out and made so much noise I had to tell him that if he wanted to continue he needed to bring the noise down because I was worried about getting kicked out of my hotel. When I told him this he said its the poppers and thats just how he is not to mention he couldn’t sit bouncing around like a mexican jumping bean while my hand was in him (what this means is my whole body is being jerked around has he moves around). He arrived late and wanted to talk for about 40 min and at the 40 min mark asked when is time started.  Let me break this down for you as I see it. “I am paying you so I don’t have to be considerate of you, this hotel, or of your time”. It got even worse within the first 10 minutes he was dirty and ruined my sheets. About 10 minutes before we were about to finish he got dirty again and when I said we need to wrap things up early because of this issue he denied being dirty because he couldn’t see it (when my hand is in your ass your not going to see shit but I am certainly going to feel it). I cleaned up and got dressed and as he left said “I like you but you have cut our time short on 2 occasions now and been a clock watcher and thats bad for your business. I just thought you should know that”. There are some clients that are just icky people and he happens to be one of them.

I got to New York and it was utterly DEAD so I started to panic. I had made enough in chicago to cover my expenses for the next month but things would be tight. Wednesday I got a email from a client I had seen last year who was very nice and said he was putting together a group thing and wanted me to join. I went over to his palatial apartment where I met another escort who turned out to be just as big a nerd and I am and we geeked out about Dr. Who while we waited for the other guests to arrive. A few of the guys weren’t my type but everyone had a great attitude so looks didn’t matter. The last guest arrived who turned out to be this incredibly sexy Brazilian bear/cub. I was immediately drawn to him but I didn’t want to hog his attention. Eventually we all wound up in the bedroom going out it each one of us versatile but the cub took a liking to me so I split roasted him, bottomed for him, toped him and when things cooled down I asked him what he was into and he said he loved to get fisted. I damn near jumped for joy! I thought his ass felt unusually skilled. Eventually when things picked back up I fisted him while everyone watched and it was actually very special. I felt very close to him in that moment and even got his number afterwards. The client mostly watched and enjoyed the show we put on so I would say thats a job well done. He had such a good time he later scheduled a one on one a few days later!

Other than seeing clients I really didn’t have a whole lot of energy to do much in New York. There was a party called Brut that I wanted to go to but my body said “nope you need to relax and go to bed early” so thats just what I did. I always want to go down to wall-street and get a picture of the Merill Lynch Bull so I can send it to my mom (she used to do investments) but I never seem to have the time or energy. I ended up meeting CutlerX last night for a session with a client and got to pick his brain. He has been doing this far longer than I have and said what I already knew but was good to gear, “You absolutely have to take care of yourself, your body is your business and if you don’t you will get sick or burn out”.

I ended having an issue with a hotel for the weekend and my Friday night client offered to let me stay with him for the weekend. Rather than stay with my friends I wanted to be more centrally located so I took my client up on his offer. He is someone who’s company I have always enjoyed and it gave me an opportunity to get to know him better. It was the first time I had ever done anything like that but I am glad I did I really enjoyed his company. I get lonely while I travel and it was nice to have the companionship.

I should  be seeing puppy in a few days and I can’t wait to see him. The distance and time apart is rough but it will soon be over. He has taken a leave of absence next month and it looks like he will come stay with me for the month! To top it off there is a chance I might get out of my lease early and if I can do that I will move next month to Chicago with him!

Big Life Changes

Its been a while since I have posted and a lot has happened since MAL. As school has progressed I have fallen in a deep depression and I am finally starting to crawl out of it as the quarter comes an end. I was working 7 days a week, I was in school Tuesday-Thursday and would fly out Friday and get back Monday. It was an unmanageable schedule that nearly broke me, I didn’t have enough time for self care and it took its toll on me.  Things with Pup got ugly but we managed to work through it after a lot of realizations on both our parts, I think we are stronger because of it though.

This school stuff is a real doozy for me, it takes me 4 hours each day to get back and forth to class and then I am there for 4 hours so thats 24 hours of my week that disappears that I will never get back. I wish I could say that I learned something of substance but the reality is I payed 3 grand to say I sat in a class room. I feel incredibly resentful towards higher education, I am essentially required to get a 4 year degree at the minimum if not a master to get any kind of decent paying job all the while the school tells me how much they care about me and value me. My school is one of liberal arts that preaches social justice and equality for all but it couldn’t be farther from the truth. I were valued my education would be free and I would be learning something. Its as if colleges expects students to develop stockholms syndrome and thank them for putting a mortgage on their life and impacting students quality of life while they get an education.

I am a student with disabilities and SURPRISE thats impacted my academic success! I was told by the University of Washington that I had a snowballs chance in hell of getting in because my GPA is to low but they really value students life experiences and social justice. This may throw some for a loop but its institutionalized discrimination, I go through a system as a person with disabilities that doesn’t work well for me so I am not as successful as other students. The system that should be educating and is required to by law, The Americans with Disabilities Act,  doesn’t protect me when I try to go to higher education because they have the right to refuse entry.

Subsequently the school I am at was my only option for public education that wouldn’t cost me my first born. As I sit in my classes I wonder to myself what exactly am I supposed to be learning? I am an escort that travels all over the country, let the reality of that sink in, imagine all of the people I meet, the things I see, and the experiences I have had. Siting in a classroom and being told of the real world doesn’t really compare to living what they are teaching. When I go to San Francisco I don’t just see a city, I see complex sociological issues (income inequality, poverty, lack of a social safety net, greed, addiction and the list goes on). I have been told I have to pay my dues because everyone else has, “this is what we all have to do”, but I refuse. Through out my life I have had to forge my own path and I will continue to do so in college. I pushed incredibly hard but I managed to get an independent learning contract through my college which means that I make up my course material. I choose what topics are important to me and I get credit for educating myself.

As I have traveled around the country this quarter I didn’t have time to rest and recuperate. I had one task to complete after another and it got to the point where I dreaded waking up because I had to continue the grind. Depression set in quickly and due to the lack of flexility in my schedule I couldn’t travel for work so my income dropped significantly. I had no time for myself and little money to cover my expenses, while this may be acceptable for some college students its not for me, its a recipe for disaster. I was rude, moody, and down right mean to Pup at times, I am still not sure if there is anything I can do to make it up to him. As we started to navigate poly I realized I wasn’t ready for him to have partner on his own and had a melt down which we both handled poorly and ended up hurting each other a lot. Its been about a month since the dust has settled and I think we are stronger at least I hope we are. I would very much like a poly family and I am figuring out what that looks like to me and what my comfort level is around puppy seeing other people.

In other news on finding out that I can do independent study it became apparent I don’t need to stay in Seattle anymore to get my education. I think I will be moving out to Chicago where I can get a place for the same price thats much bigger and nicer than what I have now. I have wanted to buy a home in the next couple years and houses and condo’s are about half of what they cost in Seattle. I have felt frustrated with the culture of Seattle, the passive aggressiveness, so I think a new city may be good for me. Its also MUCH easier to get to the east coast from Chicago than Seattle so I should save a ton on plane tickets every year.

I feel hopeful for the first time in a few months and it feels nice. I have one more week of this monotony then I am free! Life feels good again

MAL

It was my second year attending and I had hoped that this year would be better than last. In 2014 I went to MAL for the first time as a big work weekend, I would be seeing clients, socializing and getting my face out there. I think I succeeded at that but there were some personal issues that came up that weekend that had lasting implications for the rest of the year. This year was my first time attending a event with a partner where ever thing happened in a hotel and what that means is when you walk out of your room your bombarded with testosterone and sex.

I am an introvert first and foremost so events like this are very over whelming for me. I could only be in large gatherings this weekend for an hour tops before I had to retreat to my room. My ideal social settings are with friends at one of our apartments have dinner and playing board games. Exciting huh? The whole weekend I had to remind myself why I came, to see clients and be social but it ended up with me just seeing clients with not nearly as much socializing as I would have wanted. I felt very exposed and uncomfortable this year because I didn’t know many people unlike events like IML which of folks I know.

I didn’t feel body conscious at this event which was a nice feeling though when I did dawn my red chaps and a harness I could feel everyone’s gaze and had to change promptly. Puppy had a similar experience when he put on a singlet and looked drop dead gorgeous but he had his puppy mask to put on which provided a measure of anonymity. The time zone difference coupled with appointments really interfered with my gym routine which I think would have helped with the stress this weekend but it’s a lesson learned and won’t happen again.

Working at these events is hard because I see so many guys having fun and I am working. Its what part of my job description that I have to work on the fun weekend and normally that’s not an issue but I was feeling very stressed and isolated.

To top off my social anxiety and mild awkwardness I have never seen more drug use at an event than I have at MAL. You name the drug and its used there. During the course of the weekend I saw people high on Crystal meth, G, Coke, and a few others I couldn’t quite put my finger on. At this point in my life I just don’t want to be around it. In years past I didn’t mind if someone used in front of me but as I have escorted and kept to that rule I saw things that no person should ever have to see so now it’s a deal breaker.

I had an ex boyfriend who’s life completely spiraled out of control and he lost everything from substance. When I see people using I just think of his slow spiral out of control and its not something I want to remember.

There were some personal issues that came up for me this year that caused me to have a melt down Saturday night. It brought up a lot of feelings I had not confronted since that ex with a substance abuse and it was very humbling to be reminded how much work I still have to do on myself to recover from it.

Puppy has been so patient with me and so loving I actually had trouble believing it. When I had gone to IML a few years ago and had a big issue with a boyfriend because of his bad behavior, he maintained the peace through the event so we could get through it together without ripping each other apart and then broke up. Last night as we were talking with friends and told them that we were getting married this summer, something we had discussed but I not given much credence but it turns out he had. He stood there and continued to talk with our friends and it sunk in that he is in this for the long haul. He didn’t drop that nugget to maintain the piece as my ex would have but because he was so proud and happy to be with me. I got a little choked up but I didn’t let on.

I have always measured the success of a relationship by what I learned about myself. In the case of this event I learned a lot about myself and it was painful but I think I am better for it. I feel so honored to be with a man that gives me the space to work through my baggage and is so caring. I keep waiting to find some horrible personality defect or a dead body hidden some where but I think my boyfriend might just be a keeper.

Jeff if you read this thank you for being so understanding Saturday night

The land of maple syrup and moose’s

Its been an interesting trip visiting Michel and his friends and by interesting I mean maddening. Everyone he has introduced me to has been lovely but its the citizens of Toronto that are driving me bonkers! I understand that cultural differences exist between every country and normally I would say embrace them however there are some things that are just bad.

A few things I have observed while I have been here.

Some of the worst drivers I have ever seen. Its as if they aren’t conscious of the people around them and do what suits them best (stoping in the middle of the street to let a passenger out, parking in front of buildings that don’t have parking when there is only one lane, I have had people miss me by a few inches when coming around a corner at a cross walk and many other things that made me go WTF.

Clients have been contacting by phone to find out details that are already listed on where they found my number. I am being asked, whats your rate, what are you into (does it really matter? What your into is far more important), and my absolute favorite that I got when I was coming through customs I got a text, “did you bring “favors” with you?”. No I didn’t cross an international border and land at biggest airport in canada with drugs so YOU could get high. Thoughtfulness is normally not at the forefront of a clients mind and I understand that comes with the territory but Canadians seem to be a tad special.

Perhaps I have spent to much time among east coasters or perhaps its just am American trait but I am finding myself infuriated with the customer service here. People are so fucking SLOW! Its as if people didn’t have a sense of time management or urgency, the mind set is things will get done when they get done. When you go to a restaurant you make sure your patrons are waited on in a timely fashion or whats the point of eating out? I could just cook my own meal in the same time or faster that it takes to get served.

Michel and I went to Steamworks on monday night so we could use the sling room and have some fun. A guy contacted him on a hook up site wanted to hook up with the both of us so we all agreed to meet at our room. He comes in asks if he could use are already used douche hose (YUCK) returns it to use when he is done then says he is going to go hook up with someone he saw earlier. Four hours later he knocks on our door once his options to get laid have run out to see if we are still interested. At this point we are already getting dressed and leaving. You had the option of having sex with 2 escorts but you passed us up because you felt like you could find a better option? When two gainfully employed sex workers offer to hook up with you for fun you take them up on there offer rather than doing a crap shoot at a bath house but maybe I am just crazy.

On a pleasant note Michels roommates are wonderful guys and I am glad to have met them. Last night they took me to my first musical, Wicked, which was a lot of fun! It was a reminder that your chosen family is the most important is more important than the family you were born with